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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28204140">enneagram type 2</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/heesun/pseuds/heesun'>heesun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ENHYPEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Coming of Age, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Repression, Self-Discovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:54:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28204140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/heesun/pseuds/heesun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>But these terrible feelings; wanting to be held, to be kissed, to be … loved. </p><p>Sunoo pushes it down, like always. Emotional whack-a-mole.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Sunoo &amp; Everyone, Lee Heeseung/Park Jongseong | Jay, Minor or Background Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>154</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i don't have a lot to give</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>back on my bullshit</p><p>hi! this is a sunoo central fic. i'll see where it goes but i just wanted to write about sunoo and some of the feelings i got inspired by his favourite songs.</p><p>there are some references to my other fic, turning point, but they're very minor and you don't need to read that too if you don't want<br/>\ ( ^ v ^ )</p><p>thank you so much for reading &lt;3 ily</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunoo is different.</p><p> </p><p>He feels it itch in the pit of his stomach. A sunny disposition masks it, of course it does, but he can't shake the weight of the uncertainty. </p><p> </p><p>He feels like whenever he talks there are too many eyes on him. He's seen too many Western reality shows to know what the international onlookers compare him to. </p><p> </p><p>Even the idea of becoming a stereotype suffocates him.</p><p> </p><p>"Ddeonu," Sunghoon hums, "What do you think?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo shakes out of his thoughts and glances over. </p><p> </p><p>Sunghoon is handsome. He always has been, ever since Sunoo can remember. He'll never deny it that, for some reason, he felt compelled to be near him when they first met. And yeah, <em> maybe </em> it was because he was handsome. So what?</p><p> </p><p>I-LAND was different. It was tense. Sunoo felt the tingle where their skin met, the rush of making him laugh.</p><p> </p><p>He feels it less now. It doesn't make the memories any less jarring.</p><p> </p><p>Sunghoon scrolls between 3 selfies. Sunoo hums and plucks the phone from his hands, examining each one carefully.</p><p> </p><p>"Go with the second and third ones," He chirps, after some deliberation, "Your expressions are different, look. Sunghoon-hyung…" He flicks to the other photo, "… and Ddeonghoonie."</p><p> </p><p>Sunghoon laughs gently and takes his phone back.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks, Sunoo-ya."</p><p> </p><p>"No probs!"</p><p> </p><p>Where their hands touch now, a gentle warmth spreads in his chest. There's nothing other than comfort, like sitting in front of a log fire, or roasting marshmallows beneath the stars.</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's glad for it. He wants to banish that crawling, electric feeling for the rest of his life.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, Sunoo is also a pushover.</p><p> </p><p>He knew it when Niki tucked into bed beside him for the first time. </p><p> </p><p>(<em> Niki is his favourite. He doesn't like to play favourites, but he really is. </em></p><p> </p><p><em> He feels like Niki knows it, too. He takes advantage too much to not know. </em>)</p><p> </p><p>"Niki-ya," Sunoo hums gently, turning to look over his shoulder. "I thought you were sleeping with Heeseung-hyung tonight?"</p><p> </p><p>"I changed my mind."</p><p> </p><p>"How come?"</p><p> </p><p>Niki shrugs and Sunoo stifles a giggle. </p><p> </p><p>"Well, who could blame you, Niki-ya," He sighs wistfully. "I'm one-of-a-kind, after all."</p><p> </p><p>Niki scoffs and jabs a finger playfully into his side. </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo yelps, and jumps out of his skin. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey! Stop!"</p><p> </p><p>"You deserved it."</p><p> </p><p>"Nuh-uh."</p><p> </p><p>Niki hums as he pulls the blankets up over his shoulders. He curls up and lies on his side, leaning into Sunoo's back.</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's skin alights. He clenches his eyes shut. It's not like it's uncomfortable, no, quite the opposite - it's just wrong. <em> Immoral </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Skinship is fine, it's different, obviously. He carefully places it into its own section in his brain. But these terrible feelings; wanting to be held, to be kissed, to be … <em> loved </em>. </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo pushes it down, like always. Emotional whack-a-mole.</p><p> </p><p>It's worse when Niki wraps him up in his big arms. It's probably mindless to him - Niki just likes to hug; it's a comfort. Sunoo's heart jumps forward nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>He tries to forget about it. He focuses on the metronome of Niki's soft breathing, ignoring the heat resting crimson on his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>It's different when he sees other people doing it.</p><p> </p><p>Jay and Heeseung have been friends - quote, unquote - for four years. </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's not stupid, and they're not subtle. He knows how to make himself known, and how to make himself invisible.</p><p> </p><p>(<em> It's been different between them since they ran off together that night. They haven't said anything to him yet. He must seem like a blabbermouth. </em></p><p> </p><p><em> It's… not </em> untrue <em> . He just likes to gossip. There's nothing wrong with that. </em>)</p><p> </p><p>They're in the living room, on the couch. Heeseung is laying across Jay's lap, looking up at him as he plays his game. Sunoo's tucked up in the corner of the sofa on his phone, playing <em> Candy Crush: Soda Saga</em>. Jay suddenly <em> whoops </em> as he beats a boss, and he leans down to press a celebratory kiss to Heeseung's lips.</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo blinks and shifts a little in his spot. They both jolt as they remember and look over at him. They're as shocked as he is.</p><p> </p><p>"Sunoo-ya!" Jay sputters. His eyes are blown wide in something like fear. "It's not-"</p><p> </p><p>(<em> The fright in his eyes makes Sunoo want to crumple into a ball. It was only a kiss. A tiny kiss and it reduces him to this. The world is so cold. </em>)</p><p> </p><p>"Don't worry, Jay-hyung," Sunoo snickers. He taps the side of his nose impishly. "I didn't see anything."</p><p> </p><p>Jay stares at him and breathes out slowly. He smiles shakily. "Thanks."</p><p> </p><p>A moment of silence passes.</p><p> </p><p>"Y'know, I don't care if you're … <em> gay </em> , hyungs." He whispers. A cheeky smile curls at his lips. "But maybe stop kissing in front of your <em> precious dongsaeng </em>."</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung laughs, grinning at him.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not <em> gay </em>," Jay exclaims loudly. "He's an exception."</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung rolls his eyes and flicks at his chest. "Way to make a guy feel special."</p><p> </p><p>"Isn't Heeseungie-hyung a guy?" Sunoo prods. His tone is questioning. "Doesn't that make you gay?"</p><p> </p><p>Jay blinks at him. "I don't know. Does it?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo doesn't really know how to respond.</p><p> </p><p>"I always figured you were gay, Sunoo-ya." Heeseung hums. "No offense, obviously."</p><p> </p><p>The words make something curl in his chest. He can't tell if it's a good feeling. It definitely alights <em> something </em> in him; an anxious sort of feeling, like before you go out on stage, or when you get test results back.</p><p> </p><p>He laughs softly, glancing back to his game. "I get that a lot."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The idea that he's the only son his parents will ever have always pains him.</p><p> </p><p>It strikes him between the ribs. He holes himself into the bathroom and speaks to his sister on the phone.</p><p> </p><p>"Noona," He murmurs, mid-conversation, "Is it okay to not want a … a normal partner?"</p><p> </p><p>"Eh?" She laughs, "What are you talking about?"</p><p> </p><p>He explains. Oldest sons and their wives and their children. The bloodline. Culture. He's sure it feels rushed to her, but the words just keep coming, an avalanche of feelings stuffed desperately into his chest.</p><p> </p><p>"Sunoo," She soothes, gentle, "You know, things aren't always like that anymore, right? We're so proud of you already."</p><p> </p><p>She feels so, so far away. Sunoo cries quietly, and she comforts. He yearns to collapse in her arms.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He cries until his throat is raw and his face aches with numbness. He hangs up on his sister.</p><p> </p><p>(<em> "Sunoo, we'll always love you. You know that, right? No matter what." </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Really?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> "Don't be silly. Of course. Now, go and relax, I'm watching a show! </em>")</p><p> </p><p>He sits on the toilet seat and presses his palms into his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>There's a gentle rap on the door. "Sunoo-hyung?"</p><p> </p><p>He startles and goes to splash water on his red face. "Coming, sorry!"</p><p> </p><p>He opens the door to Jungwon.</p><p> </p><p>"Hyung," He frowns, eyes crinkling with concern, "Do you want to talk to me about it?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's throat clenches and he looks down to hide his eyes tearing up. He nods.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon holds his hand as he leads him into their bedroom. They sit down on his bed and Sunoo cries.</p><p> </p><p>"Here, hyung," Jungwon opens his arms. "It's okay. I'm here."</p><p> </p><p>He melts into him. </p><p> </p><p>Their leader. Small but powerful in the best way.</p><p> </p><p>"You know, I don't talk about my feelings a lot," Jungwon hums, "But I think you should find someone to confide in, hyung, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo nods and sniffles into his shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>"It's hard," He says, thinking as he does, "Coming here after so long with no change. It's a big leap. We all understand, Sunoo-hyung."</p><p> </p><p>"I just feel … " Sunoo whispers, "So strange."</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon is quiet. He draws abstract shapes into Sunoo's back. It warms him to the core, a fuzzy feeling that reminds him so much of his sister, it almost unsettles him.</p><p> </p><p>"We're all a bit strange," Jungwon whispers back, like it's their secret, "I think that's what makes us a family."</p><p> </p><p>(<em> And as he rests his head against Jungwon's shoulder, heart beating slowly, Sunoo thinks so, too </em>.)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. but i would give you everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey there! thanks for taking the time to read this ❤</p><p>happy holidays 🎁</p><p> </p><p>cw: food mentions</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunoo wonders how long it'll take to banish this cruel, suffocating feeling in his lungs.</p><p> </p><p>He showers, and tries to scrub it off. He tries to shake it out of him - to purify those guilty stains.</p><p> </p><p>(<em> It doesn't work </em>.)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Jake is scrolling through Weverse when Sunoo flops down next to him.</p><p> </p><p>Jake glances over and gives him a smile. The evening light filters past their shutters softly, sprinkling pixie dust across their sofa. He's humming a tune that makes Sunoo want to curl up beside him.</p><p> </p><p>"Jake-hyung."</p><p> </p><p>"Hm?"</p><p> </p><p>"Read me messages? Like in I-LAND?"</p><p> </p><p>Jake blinks at him, and then smiles. "Yeah, 'course. Come here."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo leans against his side and Jake wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him in. It makes him feel different than usual. It's soft and close to his heart, like when his mother would read him a bedtime story.</p><p> </p><p>"Let me see, I'll look for the English ones," He says, flicking through their feed, "Here you go. '<em> Dearest Sunoo, I hope this post reaches you someday. I just wanted to say </em>…'" </p><p> </p><p>Jake's voice is so healing. It takes him back to simpler times of practicing <em> CROWN </em> for their audition, and hearing fans' voices through their letters for the first time. </p><p> </p><p>He's comforting. It makes Sunoo forget about himself for a bit. He focuses on Jake's honey voice, and the warm embrace that they share.</p><p> </p><p>"Sunoo-ya?" Jake whispers, and Sunoo only realises he's dozing off when he jolts upright.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, sorry, Jake-hyung," Sunoo sputters, and he moves to shuffle away, but Jake pulls him down so he's lying in his lap.</p><p> </p><p>It's a gentle force. He really is like a puppy sometimes; soft around the edges and well-intentioned.</p><p> </p><p>"If you were sleepy, you should've just said so," Jake teases. He puts his phone down on the armrest and threads his fingers into Sunoo's hair. "Here, rest. I get it! You've been working super hard, you know?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo tears up instantly.</p><p> </p><p>"Huh?" Jake blinks. His big eyes go wide, and his mouth falls open. "Why are you crying? I'm sorry! Did I do something wrong?"</p><p> </p><p>Two solitary tears trail down his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, hyung, for comforting me," He whispers, so his voice doesn't crack, "It means a lot."</p><p> </p><p>Jake stares at him, before smiling softly. His cheeks redden. </p><p> </p><p>"Anytime, Sunoo-ya."</p><p> </p><p>(<em> Niki saunters into the living room, bored and looking for a distraction, when he sees them. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sunoo is curled up, head on Jake's lap. Jake is asleep too, head lolled back against the sofa and hands in Sunoo's hair. Sunoo snores softly, and Niki watches his sides rise and fall intermittently. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He creeps closer, silent. He snaps a picture before he leaves </em>.)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo walks to the store the next day, Niki in tow. He clasps a handwritten list, donned with squiggly drawings and labels, made by Sunghoon and Jungwon.</p><p> </p><p>' <em> shopping list </em> </p><p> </p><p> </p><ul>
<li>milk<em> (<b>full fat this time!!!</b> skimmed breaks heeseungie-hyung's skin out!!! i am allowed to tickle you if you forget)</em>
</li>
</ul><ul>
<li>rice cakes </li>
</ul><ul>
<li>salt (<em>one of the big tubs)</em>
</li>
</ul><ul>
<li>chives </li>
</ul><ul>
<li>red peppers</li>
</ul><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> if you buy anything else it's from your allowance!!! </em> '</p><p> </p><p>They both split the list and Sunoo wanders off in search of the refrigerated section. As he's going, he glances through the aisles and catches a glimpse of two boys.</p><p> </p><p>They're close, holding each other's hands. They talk quietly between themselves. The taller cracks a joke and the shorter cracks up laughing, bending in half.</p><p> </p><p>Agony curls in his chest. It's like a sea urchin has moved in right next to his heart. He doesn't realise he's gawking until Niki pokes him.</p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, stop staring," He urges, tugging at his sleeve, "You're being rude."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo shakes himself out of it and follows Niki guiltily.</p><p> </p><p>He picks up the milk and places it into their shared basket when he sees them - a multipack of jelly pouches. His fingers twitch and he looks longingly at them.</p><p> </p><p>He squints at the price and shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo thinks of the boys in the store the whole walk home.</p><p> </p><p>Pure white contrails streak across the blue pleins of the sky, dividing it into neat squares, like a chess board. He feels like a tightly coiled spring. His stomach cramps with anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>"Hyung, are you okay?" Niki murmurs, reaching out to touch Sunoo's wrist with his free hand. "You look tense."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo flinches harshly away. He turns towards him and smiles, a little sheepish. "I'm really okay! Aha, sorry, Niki-ya."</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," Niki snaps. "Don't do that."</p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"That thing you're doing," Niki stops in place. "You're acting."</p><p> </p><p>The glass milk bottles clink against each other in the bag Niki's holding. Sunoo stops too.</p><p> </p><p>"Does it really bother you that much?" </p><p> </p><p>"What?"</p><p> </p><p>"Boys kissing."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's fists (<em> and jaw </em>) clench. He grits his teeth. "It really doesn't bother me at all."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, now you're just lying."</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not <em> lying </em> , Niki-ya." Sunoo turns back to him. He makes a concerted effort to keep his voice level. "I'm fine with it- <em> more </em> than fine with it, even-"</p><p> </p><p>"Then why are you so <em> angry </em>?"</p><p> </p><p>Niki looks at him with so much raw hurt in his eyes. So much betrayal. Sunoo's throat tightens. The red around him dims slowly and the blue brightens.</p><p> </p><p>He looks past Niki.</p><p> </p><p>"I think," He whispers, "I think I'm … ashamed."</p><p> </p><p>Niki's silence is so loud. Sunoo is aware of their surroundings, suddenly. He hears the roar of a nearby motorway, the rustle of the wind that winds through the trees, and the leaves that spiral down to the roadside.</p><p> </p><p>"I get it. I think."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo swallows his nerves. He laughs half-heartedly.</p><p> </p><p>"Well, that makes one of us."</p><p> </p><p>They keep walking, and Niki slows to match his pace.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>(<em> "Do you want to hold hands?" Niki asks quietly, as they round the last corner to their dorms. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Huh?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Hold hands with me. Just to practice." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sunoo's palms sweat before they even interlink their fingers. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> He holds Niki's hand. It feels new and terrifying, even though he's held hands countless times before </em>.)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Team bonding exercises aren't new. Luckily, they also don't get old.</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo feels his spirits lift as Sunghoon desperately tries to guess the word that's taped to his forehead.</p><p> </p><p>"Is it … is it stylish!?"</p><p> </p><p>"..No?"</p><p> </p><p>"How are you <em> unsure </em>?!"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo's face hurts from laughing. Jay is in tears behind him as ENHYPEN watch them both struggle to communicate. He looks up at Sunghoon's word, beneath his bangs.</p><p> </p><p><em> 'Table' </em>. </p><p> </p><p>"I mean, they are <em> very </em> in fashion."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>That evening, Sunoo is passing through the kitchen to get a glass of water, when Heeseung flags him down. He's holding an apple flavoured jelly pouch.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you the anonymous <em> 'Sunshine' </em> that bought these?" </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo smiles and shrugs. He inwardly beams at the appreciation. "I guess we'll never know, hyung."</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung smirks at him, eyes glittering. "I guess not."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>(<em> Niki clambers into bed with him again that night. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He grabs Sunoo's wrist and they lay there, just holding hands. Just practicing. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Why are you ashamed," Niki asks quietly, into the dark, "Of liking boys?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sunoo's fingers tremble. He tries to put these feelings into words. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "It's wrong," He whispers back. His voice wobbles. "It's wrong. Right, Niki-ya?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Niki swallows.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "If it's wrong," He breathes, "Then I'm wrong, too." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They fall asleep just like that, fingers still entwined.) </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. all my time is yours to spend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey there! i hope you had a great holiday season 💖</p><p>time to get back on it ✍📖</p><p>please enjoy this extremely self indulgent chapter</p><p>(thank you for all the support on my writing. it seriously is unreal to be able to have you guys read it)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunoo just wants to give.</p><p> </p><p>He wants to give everyone around him that infectious sunniness he's known for. A happy virus; that's what they call him, those people behind the screens. His <em> fans</em>.</p><p> </p><p>How do you give something like that? How do you exude that energy, despite all the tangles inside you? </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The Let Me In (20 CUBE) MV releases to a clamour of delight and shock. He still tastes the <em> Powerade </em> in his mouth. </p><p> </p><p>He watches it on his phone, on the living room floor, and Jay wanders over to sit next to him.</p><p> </p><p>"I love the astronaut part," He hums approvingly.</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo grins as Jay flashes up on the screen, leant against Sunghoon. His one and only unit.</p><p> </p><p>"How are you and Heeseungie-hyung?" He teases. Jay turns his face away but Sunoo can see his ears redden.</p><p> </p><p>"Fine," He grumbles. "I mean, I guess?"</p><p> </p><p>"Trouble in paradise?"</p><p> </p><p>"Sunoo-ya, we've been in a group for what, 2 months? And we already like each other." Jay fumbles with his hands. "We're <em> colleagues </em>."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo bursts out laughing. </p><p> </p><p>"You think all idols in other groups are just <em> colleagues </em>?" He snickers between his breaths, "Ah, Jay-hyung, you're too funny."</p><p> </p><p>"Well, obviously not. It just makes things complicated, doesn't it? With the media, and our concepts, and-" Jay looks over at him. "Hey, are you listening?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo can't stop giggling. He falls over lopsidedly into Jay's lap. "Ah, you'll be fine, Jay-hyung, trust me. I'm sure this happens all the time."</p><p> </p><p>Jay stares down at him and cracks a smile.</p><p> </p><p>(<em> "You know, it really is impossible to not smile when you are." </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "See, I told you, I'm a happy virus!" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "It's so annoying! I was trying to have a serious conversation but you're just smiling like that at me!" </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> "Get used to it, hyung. There's a lot more where that came from." </em>)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Fansigns. It’s weird to even think that people are paying to meet him for what, a minute? It warms Sunoo’s heart (and inwardly, his ego) when he remembers.</p><p> </p><p>His leg bounces anxiously as he waits for the screen to connect. Heeseung is singing loudly to a fan - what’s new? - but it soothes him a little as he stews in his apprehension.</p><p> </p><p>The screen flickers, and the translator behind his webcam nods as Sunoo waves a hello. It’s a girl; the contact reads <em> Jiwoo </em>. Her smooth skin is bright but her eyes are brighter. A huge grin splits her face but she covers it with her hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi there!” He greets, and she sniffles.</p><p> </p><p>“Sunoo-ssi, I’m so happy.” She wipes frantically at her eyes. “Oh, I promised my girlfriend I wouldn’t cry.”</p><p> </p><p>Her girlfriend. His heart hiccups against his ribs. Her girlfriend?</p><p> </p><p>He pauses and smiles softly. He waves his hands. “Don’t worry, noona. We don’t have to tell her. Your secret’s safe with me!”</p><p> </p><p>She giggles, face flushed, and it makes him feel warm and safe.</p><p> </p><p>They talk briefly. He does some aegyo. She laughs and his heart beams.</p><p> </p><p>“I have to go now, noona,” He pouts, as the time ticks onwards. “But we’ll meet again another day, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>She nods, eyes brimming.</p><p> </p><p>“At your concert,” Her voice wobbles. “I’ll be in the front row!”</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo feels like crying, then, too.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>(They hand their stacks of albums down the line. Sunoo writes fiercely in a copy of their album.</p><p> </p><p>‘ <em> I’ll see you again, Jiwoo-noona. </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I want to be in love like you one day. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yours, </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sunoo ‘) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> - </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That night, he lies awake staring at the ceiling for a while. Jiwoo and her girlfriend, Jay and his boyfriend - or whatever they’re calling it today. He fiddles with his hands on his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Niki sleeps softly beside him, a big mound beneath the blankets. He envies his ability to sleep as soon as he hits the pillow. He ponders of the other night, the unspoken words that hung over them like clouds in the air. <em> ‘Then I’m wrong, too’ </em>; Niki’s tender trust in him.</p><p> </p><p>He starts to think, just maybe, this doesn’t need to be as lonely as he’s making it out to be.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He’s falling backwards. Or is it upside-down? Iridescent rainfall soaks his clothes to the bone and it wracks a shock through his body. He just keeps falling, wind rushing desperately past him, gasping for air - is this what it’s like? To live in fear for so long?</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo startles awake. He sucks a huge breath in and tears spring to his eyes like someone’s turned the tap on.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon’s not even awake yet. Sunoo slinks to the kitchen and digs through the fridge. He reaches into the jelly pouch box and finds that there are only 3 left.</p><p> </p><p>He sits on the front doorstep and watches the sun come up. It melts soft and slow across the sky.</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung is the last person he expects to find him.</p><p> </p><p>“Sunoo-ya,” He murmurs. He closes the door that Sunoo left on the latch and sits down beside him on the doorstep.</p><p> </p><p>“How come you’re awake, hyung? It’s way early for you.” </p><p> </p><p>He grumbles something unintelligible and leans against Sunoo’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s something new I’m trying out.” He says. He barely hides his bleary expression. “Can I have some jelly?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s peach.”</p><p> </p><p>“Good.”</p><p> </p><p>A chill wraps itself around them as a breeze blusters through their yard, but the sun rises all the same, clouds blowing gently overhead.</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung wraps an arm around Sunoo’s waist. Sunoo, in turn, flushes indiscriminately. His flesh burns beneath his clothes.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you?” Heeseung asks gently, like he doesn’t mean to pry, but itches to know regardless. </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo swallows. </p><p> </p><p>“Am I what?” He asks, just to buy himself some time.</p><p> </p><p>“Gay.” Sunoo stiffens. He continues, “...Or whatever.”</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo huffs a little laugh. His eyes burn. The wind stills, and the lost leaves blowing across the streets come to a synchronous stop. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know anymore, hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung nods into his shoulder, and squeezes him into a hug. It feels like home.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“When I said to wake up early, that also meant wake <em> me </em> up, you idiot.”</p><p> </p><p>“I figured you had it covered. It was hard enough waking myself up, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“When does Jay have literally anything covered by himself?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sunghoon, don’t talk for the rest of the car journey.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“I <em> said</em>, don’t talk. Or I’ll kick your seat. Violently.”</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           </p><p>Another variety show. It's getting easier, obviously, but it’s still harder than anything Sunoo’s ever done before.</p><p> </p><p>He thinks the consistency is the difficult part. How do you be that same happy virus over and over again, without your smiles being questioned? </p><p> </p><p>Just be happy. What does that even mean?</p><p> </p><p>He leans against the car window on the way back to the dorm, fatigue pressing in against the glass. It washes over him like a cold.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t remember getting to bed that night. He finds out that it's because Sunghoon carried him.</p><p> </p><p>“We did rock-paper-scissors,” Jake tells him smugly the next morning. “Sunghoon won, and got to choose who carried you.”</p><p> </p><p>“And he chose himself,” Jay calls from down the corridor. “Don’t tell him we told you.”</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo’s heart flutters fast in his chest. He tries to hide his smile and fails.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>They watch a Japanese thriller as per Niki’s request the following evening.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a death game plot. It fascinates Sunoo in the same way that freerunning does.</p><p> </p><p>Sunghoon calls him over and pats the seat next to him. Sunoo preens at the idea of being actively thought of.</p><p> </p><p>The movie itself is ridiculous. Jungwon says it himself. There are comical chase scenes that make Heeseung sob with laughter.</p><p> </p><p>It’s comfortable here, Sunoo thinks wistfully. Even as they watch this stupid movie, with Jake and Niki getting a little to into the plot, and Jay getting a little too freaked out, he can’t stop smiling. </p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. let me wrap you in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi there!</p><p>en-connect honestly just made my heart ache for these boys. i love them so much. i've never loved any artist this much before.</p><p>thank you for reading this! there'll be 1 last chapter after this.</p><p>please enjoy. thank you for waiting for me</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The dreams are a recurring type of ordeal.</p><p> </p><p>The waterfall is back. Sunoo walks along a cliffside path and watches as it glimmers in the bright sunlight, splaying prismatic reflections across the cliff face. Sunoo runs his hand along it, rough and dusty beneath his fingertips.</p><p> </p><p>He follows the path. The rock he walks on crumbles beneath his feet, but he doesn't dare look back. He walks towards it, that sheltered nook behind the waterfall, and the spray flies through the air whimsically.</p><p> </p><p>Then the ledge cracks.</p><p> </p><p>He's shocked into awakeness for the second time that week.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Are <em> you </em> gay?"</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung looks at him in the mirror as he brushes his teeth. Toothpaste foam froths around his mouth. He raises an eyebrow at Sunoo, like, <em> 'Where did that come from?' </em></p><p> </p><p>He rinses his mouth and pats it dry with a towel. "Why do you ask?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo shrugs. "I mean, you don't have to answer, I'm just asking-"</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung grins and pats him on the shoulder. "It's fine. I know."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo just stands there, like the standing man emoji. "So?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah." He runs his hands through his bedhead. "I've known for a while though."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," He nods. "I trained with <em> Choi Yeonjun</em>."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo gasps, covers his mouth, and then cackles. Heeseung giggles along with him, waggling his eyebrows in the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo stands in front of the mirror in their dressing room. Who is he, after all? He runs a fingertip along the sharp lines of his face, tracing his cheekbones and jawline. He’s always liked being smaller - less brutish.  What did that even mean anymore? </p><p> </p><p>He runs the pads of his thumbs beneath his eyes, and he watches as his irises follow them in the reflection.</p><p> </p><p>He looks at the clothes hung on the rack.</p><p> </p><p>What would he want to look like - to be like - if not the way he’s always been?</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon walks in as Sunoo looks at himself in the floor-to-ceiling reflection.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm changing!"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh god, sorry, I-" Jungwon backtracks, stumbles on his words, eyes wide, but then stops to look. "Hey, hyung, you look cute."</p><p> </p><p>"That's not the point!" Sunoo feels his ears burn bright red. "Yang Jungwon-ssi!"</p><p> </p><p>He wears that same flowy blouse that he wore in the first <em>Border: Day One</em> shoot, and an elegant black skirt with attached suspenders. </p><p> </p><p>"No, you look cute, really." He nods. "You scared me, I thought you were naked. Where did you get that?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo just stands there, mind blown, like this is a normal conversation that they're having, and like his <em> group leader </em> hasn't just caught him in the act of something scandalous.</p><p> </p><p>"Why aren't you mad?" Sunoo questions, bewildered.</p><p> </p><p>"Huh?"</p><p> </p><p>"This is for <em> girls</em>." Sunoo affirms. He brushes the skirt down, trying to push the perplexity out of his voice. "It's- It's a <em> girls' </em> skirt."</p><p> </p><p>"Says who? <em> Should </em> I be mad?" Jungwon's face twists with confusion. "It's a piece of fabric."</p><p> </p><p>They stare at each other for a few seconds.</p><p> </p><p>"Right?" Jungwon asks slowly. "Or- Or are you trying to tell me something?"</p><p> </p><p>"No, <em> no </em> , I just-" Sunoo's eyes widen. "I'm not a <em> girl</em>. I'm just.." He looks down and flits with the hem of the skirt.</p><p> </p><p>"Just?"</p><p> </p><p>"... Trying new things." He says, carefully. "I guess."</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon smiles. It's a tiny, reassured smile that Sunoo can tell he tries not to show.</p><p> </p><p>"Then I'm glad." He says. "I'm sorry for intruding, hyung."</p><p> </p><p>Jungwon closes the door behind him. Sunoo sinks to the floor and puts his head in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Jungwon saw me in a skirt today."</p><p> </p><p>"I know. He told me."</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo groans loudly. He rubs hard at his eyes and Jay snickers playfully as he sits down opposite him.</p><p> </p><p>He dishes out ramyeon into each of their bowls.</p><p> </p><p>"I really thought I knew who I was," He says, prodding at the noodles with his chopsticks, "But now I'm not so sure anymore."</p><p> </p><p>"Is that really so bad?" Jay asks. He slurps loudly at his ramyeon, and then continues, "Why do you need to know right away?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo shrugs. Inwardly, he supposes he can feel the <em> 'him' </em> inside himself, resting heavy in his mind like a weight on his foot. He feels it <em> clang </em> against his ankles with every step.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't need to know everything, duh," Jay says. "Just do what feels right."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>(<em>He practices the 'I Like It' choreography in the mirror, as he waits for his face mask to set.</em></p><p> </p><p><em>He feels like a bad caricature of himself.</em>)</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Hyung," Sunoo mumbles, "Can I sleep with you tonight?"</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung squints. "Are you sure?"</p><p> </p><p>He nods.</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung is always cold to the touch. Sunoo thinks that, maybe, he's just so tall that the heat finds it hard to get everywhere.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you mind if I hug you?"</p><p> </p><p>Sunoo pauses.</p><p> </p><p>"No, it's fine."</p><p> </p><p>Heeseung's long arms cradle him, slipping around his waist, hands clasping gently around his abdomen.</p><p> </p><p>It's comfortable. </p><p> </p><p>So comfortable.</p><p> </p><p>That oh-so-familiar, searing-hot, shameful feeling never comes. There's just a gentle, fuzzy warmth that settles soft in his belly.</p><p> </p><p>He hopes it stays. <em> God, he hopes it stays. </em></p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>The room is warm, and Heeseung's face rests in his neck. </p><p> </p><p>Sunoo slips out of his arms, and replaces himself with a pillow.</p><p> </p><p>He ventures into the outfit room and gets to work.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Sunoo-ya, have you seen the-" Jake starts as he rounds the kitchen island, milk in his hands, "Woah."</p><p> </p><p>"What?" Sunoo replies, eyes on the ground.</p><p> </p><p>"Your makeup!" He gapes. "It ... actually looks great?"</p><p> </p><p>"Aw, thank- Wait. Are you surprised?" Sunoo's head shoots up at that, affronted. "Does- Does it <em> not </em> look great usually?'</p><p> </p><p>"That's not what I meant!" Jake squeaks. He laughs, mock-nervously, refusing to make eye contact. "I promise!"</p><p> </p><p>"Hey!" Sunoo hits at him from the other side of the island. Jake giggles in return. "I worked hard on this, hyung!"</p><p> </p><p>"I know, I was teasing. It looks good." He grins wide. "I like the eyeliner and the eyeshadow colour together."</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," Sunoo nods back, feigning confidence. "Ah, I'm just too talented."</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>(<em> That day, he exchanges his hoodie and jeans for a blouse, long pea coat and fitted trousers. He fashions a plain black thread choker around his neck. Jay picks him some hoop earrings and rings. Jungwon lends him dress shoes in his size.  </em></p><p> </p><p><em> It gets easier. He’d always heard that phrase, that </em> <b> <em>stupid</em> </b> <em> phrase, </em> “Fake it ‘til you make it.” <em> And you know what? As Sunoo looks at his reflection, first in the bathroom mirror, and then in the car window, he thinks that maybe they were onto something. </em>)</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i will update this as soon as i'm able to. thank you for reading! i love you a lot</p></blockquote></div></div>
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